This disease called bipolar is so confusing. I felt like I was doing just fine 3 weeks ago before my medicine was adjusted. All we decided to do is add a little to my current dose. I noticed a difference two days later on my way to church. I felt drowsy and I wanted to go back to bed after a good nights sleep. I went anyway but felt like turning around the whole way there. That was just the tip of the iceberg. My motivation also went out the door to do much of anything as well. This continued on for about two weeks then I started feeling good for a few days. Yesterday was just plain shitty, nothing good happened yesterday. Depression set in again, I became unmotivated again, confusion set in with all the deep thinking that I was doing. I did feel better last night after talking to a good friend and hanging out for awhile though. Guess what? I feel good today. I haven't done much though. The thought of doing the dishes today, or cleaning up my piles of books that seem to accumulate is too much. Bipolar people tend to procrastinate to the last minute. I've also been agitated and irritable as of late. What really gets me is, people think once your on your meds a bipolar person is going to have a good life with no problems. They think just because you're throwing a pill down the "hatch", you're fine. I wish it was true, but it's not. We suffer problems still even if were stable. Bipolar people have: depression, anxiety, impulsive behaviors, obsessive thoughts, anger for no reason, being irritable, low motivation, low energy, and more. Damn you bipolar. I hope there's a pill that will actually cure us completely someday, and not just a ton of pills that "mask" the symptoms. It could be a lot worse though, maybe. Don't get me wrong though, I'm glad there are medicines and support available today. " Back in the day" they didn't understand it as well and you were in a lot more trouble if you had a mental illness. What's really confusing sometimes is that I wonder if my smptoms are bipolar, or if they are normal and everyone else has them too. For example I wonder if me not feeling motivated to pick up my pile of books is lazyness, or it's the chemical imbalance in my brain shuting off my ability to function. I can't "blame it all on my bipolar", but a lot of it I will. We aren't fixed with medicine, we're treated. They illness is still real and it's with us everyday.
0 Comments
Stability is priceless. What I mean by that is it feels great to have my mental health intact. I've stayed out of the hospital for over two years now, and it feels great. It feels like a major accomplishment almost. Where as I've said in my previous posts how good mania feels at times, I wouldn't want to go back. Progression is being made in my life and I finally believe I'm going foward. Although the last two years since getting out of the hospital have been rough at times, I'm really starting to believe that my life can be good. I think I will lead a productive, fulfilling life if I stay on track. Sure I still get depressed at times and for no apparent reason. However, I know I'm on good medicine and I have the best support system i could possibly have. My medicine is in good order again, I finally started seeing a therapist, and I have the best friends and family a guy could ask for. I'm excited about life and in a healthy good way. Sure things change all the time, but I'm feeling optimistic about my future and that's a good thing. I know I still have a lot to learn, but things are looking up and now that everything is working good the rest is really up to me.
Everything makes such perfect sense in my manic episodes. My faith in God amplifies 10 times, and he becomes everything I speak about. All doubt goes out the window and it's as if I can finally see. In my episodes I sense a calling from God and that I've been chosen to deliever a message to everyone I encounter. In my elevated, euphoric mood I have so much confidence and believe I can do anything. The sky is definitely the limit I tell people, if only they will believe it can happen. I don't sleep much anymore, but I get a lot more done so I believe. It's terrifying as well at times when I have hallucinations and think there's demons in my basement. Of course it's my job to get rid of them, so I curse them and tell them to be gone in the name of Jesus in a rage. I feel like I can do no wrong and that I'm super human. I believe I've discovered a new part of me when I go manic. At times I don't want it to end because I feel so good. I feel like people and doctors are trying to strip me of my new knowledge. It's as if I've found a new level of faith that most can only dream of, and everyone is trying to shut me up. My thoughts are pouring in faster than I can process them, and my mouth can't keep up. There's just so much to tell people! I can't concentrate on things like eating or smoking my cigarette, because I won't shut up! It's pressured speech where I just feel forced to speak. I have big ideas, make bad decisions, and I'm very impulsive. I feel like I've finally been awakened, and I'm liberated and free. It's as if everyone around me is in a deep slumber and I've been chosen to "wake up the world." I pray all the time for everyone. I've made lists to pray for my family, friends, and strangers. One night I stayed up all night praying for the whole world. The best way to describe this "waking up the world" thing is to use the example of the movie the Matrix. Neo thinks his world is real, but it's not until he takes the pill from Morpheus that he wakes up and sees his world was a false reality and the hour is later than he thought.
I thought I was a prophet...appointed by God to tell everyone that the world was ending. I couldn't keep my mouth shut for anything or anybody. I was a man on a mission to spread the word that Christ would soon return and that the end times were finally here. What else could it possibly be? Little did I know that it was just my world being turned upside down and that my life was in chaos. I was 17 and my brain was getting very sick. I couldn't tell the difference between what was real and what wasn't anymore. What I saw with my eyes, what I heard with my ears, who was my friend and who was my enemy. I felt higher and better than I ever felt before. My confidence was through the roof. I was closer to God than I've ever been, and I didn't need to sleep much anymore. Yet I was terrified beyond my wildest imagination, literally. I was delusional...
I was also manic, a.k.a. bipolar. It has been in my experience that people are very unaware of mental illness and its many disorders and forms. The very words mental illness provokes fear and confusion in the minds of many. I think the best way to clear the "stigma" of bipolar disorder is to educate people and talk with them about it. I want to raise awareness of it and to tell my side of the story. Some of you know and some of you have no idea that I live with this illness everyday. It's not curable, but it is treatable. Bipolar disorder is an illness of the brain which also affects the body and nervous system. Certain chemicals are out of whack, or imbalanced which creates an extreme change of moods. From the extreme high known as mania, to the extreme low severe depression. In a manic mood you could believe you could change the world, and have the energy and confidence to do so. Other symptoms include: delusions, hallucinations, sleepless nights, frantic activities, racing thoughts, pressured speech, inappropriate behavior, and having the belief that one has super powers. The total opposite of being manic is being severly depressed. Where you have no energy, you may have suicidal thoughts, and you can't get motivated to get out of bed for days or weeks. No matter how much you want to do things it's almost impossible sometimes because of the imbalance in the brain. This is a reality for me and the countless others with have this condition. Three out of a hundred adults supposedly have bipolar disorder, which means over two million americans. Bipolar doesn't discriminate either. It affects every race, gender, and religion in all occupations. No one really knows yet what causes this imbalance in brain chemistry. The factors involved though are family history and stress which drives this illness. It is nobody's fault! I've heard people chalk it up to having too much caffeine, worse that I just need to make better decisions, and the worst that God is punishing those who have it. What a load of crap! Fortunately there's help, with the proper medication and treatment you can get back on your feet and live a happy, productive life. There's always hope. Bipolar disorder is a bitch, but I've learned to accept it and I'm unashamed. This is my story... Motivation can be a big problem for a person who has bipolar disorder. Thankfully most of the time I function quite well. However, the last couple days I just feel like I'm dragging along. At times I have no energy or motivation to do anything. It was a chore to write this. It reminds me of the first time I came out of the hospital. People were telling me I just have to force myself to do things, yet I just couldn't. People can't really understand, it's not an issue of "pulling yourself up by your bootstraps." Most people would just call it laziness, but it's not. Most likely I'm just depressed if my motivation and everything is low, and being depressed is sometime just part of being bipolar. When someone who is bipolar becomes depressed, it can be much worse than someone who doesn't have bipolar. It's not something you can usually just snap out of. Sometimes I just get depressed out of the blue for no reason at all. Like I've said before bipolar is an illness of the nervous system, and in a depressed state it can turn off a person's ability to function and enjoy life. Some people can't get out of bed or their appetite changes. Some people get so depressed they can't bear the pain anymore and start thinking about suicide. My depression usually doesn't last long thankfully. It's only a matter of time until my mood goes back up.
Is diet important when a person has bipolar disorder? Yes, I believe it is very
important. I've heard certain foods can have an impact on a person's mood for better or worse. However, I am more concerned about the beverages a person consumes. The two important keywords are: stimulants and depressants. Stimulants are things that speed up the body and mind. Depressants can slow you down and depress you obviously. I'm guilty of drinking too much soda and coffee. There have been incidents reported that too much coffee and caffeine can help trigger a manic episode. It most likely aided in triggering my last manic episode. As I write this I feel a little hypomanic, because I just came from starbucks and had two large coffees! I enjoy the jazzed up feeling, but sometimes I think I should seriously cut back. Alcohol can aide in triggering a manic phase. It does this by "washing out meds." It's as if alcohol dilutes your meds and renders them ineffective, if you drink too much. One last stimulant to watch, which is a problem in people with mental illness in my opinion, is cigarettes. It is a fact that they can decrease the amount of medicine that reaches the bloodstream. I'm no pro at staying away from these substances; I'm guilty of all of them. I want to give them all up, it's just hard. The general idea is to use all things in moderation, which only you can discern how much is enough. I would probably feel better if I gave up all these things. I won't stop trying and neither should you. In the long run giving up these things would make us happier and healthier I imagine. Like myself only you can decide. Was I really delusional, or was I enlightened? There is so much garbage on the
internet if you do a search on bipolar. I'm a deep thinker and I like to reasearch and learn all I can. However, you have to be able to discern for yourself what is real and what isn't. There are web pages on the internet suggesting that people with bipolar disorder have been "spiritually awakened." It is commom in mental illness to have extreme religious thoughts and revelations. People that are not even religious have them. As tempting as it is, and as much as I would like to believe that people with mental illness have a special connection with God; I just think we should leave that one up to God. Yes, I believe I was extremely delusional and paranoid. However, I still believe it was more than that. My faith in God has always been a part of me whether I'm manic or not. I believe my faith is just as much a part of me when I'm manic, but my life is in so much chaos with all the intense emotions and sensations that I trust in Him more. So I don't think we're more spiritually awake than others; I personally think though that God can use a manic episode for his purposes in the lives of others, if you have faith in God already there's nothing impossible. There is definitely a mystery to bipolar. Why do only certain people get it?
Why are there different classifications of bipolar? Is it a blessing or a curse? Are there any advantages to being bipolar? Some people who go into a manic episode talk about God, and some don't. Why? I don't have the answers to all these questions, but I find them fascinating to think about. Bipolar religious thoughts are at the top of my "interested in list." When I go manic I can't stop talking about God. I do believe in God and go to church, but what about those who don't believe in God and talk about Jesus anyway? I don't suppose I will ever have the answers to this mystery. I don't think science has the answers either. It is unfathomable to me as I believe God is also. Bipolar religious thoughts most likely can't be explained, feel free to comment. You might be wondering after reading the overview of bipolar, what causes it?
Well, it's not for certain 100% at this time in history. As i said in the bipolar overview chemicals in the brain get imbalanced, but no one knows for certain how or why. However, we do know that there are a couple well-known factors that come into play. One factor is family history. Does anyone in your family have a mental illness? It is more likely that you will have bipolar disorder if someone in your family has it. Like all diseases, I believe everyone has the possibility of getting bipolar. Bipolar can strike early on, or not at all. The good news is that the bipolar "gene" can skip generations. Just because your grandfather had it, doesn't mean you'll have it. The second factor is stress. Stress is bipolar's best friend, and the golden opportunity to strike. There's positive stress and negative stress. Unfortunately, good stress is still stress to bipolar. Getting married or planning a vacation can be just as stressful as the loss of a loved one. Personally when my mood starts to get out of control, I don't notice. I'm blind to it and I think I'm fine. However there's a trend I've been told, and I can look back and notice it. Prior to a manic episode, I'm usually doing too much; I have so much going on. Last time I started a job, started seeing an older woman, moved out into an apartment, and got fired because of my behavior all in a month's time. Talk about some stress! It was too much for me and I ended up going mad in the process. You might hear a lot of foolishness about bipolar disorder, I have before. Such as: you've had too much caffeine, God is punishing those who have it, or that an individual just needs to make better decisions. I don't believe that God is cursing those who have the disorder. Some could say the decision making is an arguement or cause, but really it's brain chemistry and how we're wired. I won't deny that a person's diet could affect them. I'm not agreeing that 2 pots of coffee is going to make me go manic, at least not in the beginning. After a person is diagnosed bipolar, diet can make a difference in managing symptoms, another topic perhaps. In conclusion the two main factors are genetics and stress. So try to stress-less! |
AuthorI was diagnosed bipolar 1 in March of 2005. It's been a challenge to say the least to live with this disorder everyday. There has been some major ups as well as downs. It's just something I have to deal with. Everyone has their own problems and struggles to sort out and this is just one of mine. I'm not asking for anybody to feel sorry for me. I just want to educate those who don't know much about it, and if it helps out somebody along the way even better. Archives
May 2017
Categories
All
|