A month ago my symptoms were acting up and a lot worse. For months I was going in and out of psychosis I believe due to the fact that one of my meds was at too low of a dose. I emailed my doctor several times in this period complaining asking if it was my thyroid. He was more concerned with my meds, and thought mania was creeping in when I told him that my perception of reality kept changing everyday. So I increased one of my medicines and before I knew it, I started feeling better and reality became more consistent. I told my doctor that and now he believes I'm more Schizoaffective instead of just having Bipolar. It wasn't much of a surprise really, I've been labeled annd diagnosed with this disorder before. It just confirmed my suspicions really, and reinforced what I forgot about several years ago. I looked for all the information I could on the disorder, but there wasn't much. What I gathered is that Schizoaffective diorder is a combination of Bipolar Disorder and some signs of schizophrenia. Good to know I thought. I also read that they are loners and tend to keep to themselves which I do sometimes, but the thing I hated to learn is that people of this disorder have trouble holding down jobs. And it's true based on my experience. I just wish I could find a job and keep it, and that I would find something I like. My meds are adjusted well now which I am thankful for, I just have to find a job I would enjoy now while having the motivation to do it. I suppose it's just a matter of time.
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Is it really possible to be content in this life living day to day with bipolar disorder? That's a question with varying responses, but I believe that it can be. Jesus himself said, " In this world you will have trouble, but take heart, I have overcome the world!" Granted some of us seem to have more trouble getting through life than others, and Christ's statement may be of little or no worth to you. However, to myself this statement means we should expect resistance in this life, it's not a cake walk! I also take comfort in the above quote, because He tells me to look at the brightside of things. Based on my belief in the Christian faith, I have Christ's spirit within me and I don't have to do this bipolar thing alone!
No, I'm not saying because I believe in Jesus that my life is all peachy and good. Somedays I find myself questioning my faith and all that I believe. I'm not one of those guys saying that if you come to Christ your life will be easy, and you'll never feel bad again. We all know better that living with bipolar disorder is not easy or peachy. However, without a doubt I know that with Christ my life is ultimately better and counting towards something besides myself. This post isn't meant to be super spiritual, so I'll move on. I know that having bipolar myself and other health issues has made it extremely difficult to be content at times. It's so hard to be content when you never know how you will feel at any particular time, or how your brain is going to work or not work upon awakening. Does the weather affect your mood, it does me. In my case with a thyroid problem as well, life has become even harder to predict and reality becomes warped at times. I have tons of time to think, I try to resolve problems, or really questions that I have concerning my future life. My questions are usually about the same thing, what will I do when I grow up? I can't make up my mind or commit to a decision so it seems. One day something sounds good, but then later it doesn't. Nothing really "clicks" in my head like I think it might someday. My thoughts are speeding up and my focus is getting too much on myself. And you know what? That's what usually leads to my discontentment. It's easy to do when you spend more time by yourself than with others. It's a given thoughts and moods change and sometimes it's easy to care about nothing, but I really believe contentment happens when we get our minds off ourselves and do something to help others. Easier said than done, but do it. I'm working on "filtering" my thoughts and keeping the negative ones away. This I believe will make me more content as I focus on Christ, and believe that this day I can be happy and content. The last month for me has been insane, so many things have been going on. As if the holidays aren't busy and crazy enough, my symptoms have been acting up. My thyroid was supposedly suppose to correct itself, but no it became worse. My thyroid levels went from suppressed to the opposite end of the sprectrum, extremely elevated. How could this even be? I'm thankful one of my doctors caught on to it and had an eye on me. It's good news to me that I'm being treated for my thyroid gland now with medication. I feel so much better already in just the last couple weeks. Prior to getting on the new med, I was having many bipolar symptoms that which the thyroid mimicked. I truly believe I went into psychosis one night while writing about my past, which was just the beginning. I looked into psychiatric symptoms of bipolar individuals of who also have a thyroid problem one evening. Keep in mind that I have been stable, yet I had every symptom on the list. This concerned me as well as my doctor. We finally pinpointed the cause of my symptoms, I pray. Who can say how long this problem of mine has been going on? I'm glad we caught it now though, because one night I felt manic and was thinking of checking myself into the hospital. Thank God it never happened. I'm enjoying life more now, which is a blessing. I look foward to Christmas and being with friends and family, knowing that I'm healthy and being "tuned up." I believe this new year will be a great one, no matter what may be in store. I'm hoping for great things.
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AuthorI was diagnosed bipolar 1 in March of 2005. It's been a challenge to say the least to live with this disorder everyday. There has been some major ups as well as downs. It's just something I have to deal with. Everyone has their own problems and struggles to sort out and this is just one of mine. I'm not asking for anybody to feel sorry for me. I just want to educate those who don't know much about it, and if it helps out somebody along the way even better. Archives
May 2017
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