In the same way, my bipolar disorder keeps me dependent on God I pray. I mean when I wake up in the morning, I never know what mood I'm going to be in. I find sometimes I'm hopelessly depressed and anxious, and sometimes I feel great. However, I can face the day no matter and take comfort in God knowing that He is my rock, my fortress, my deliverer, my strength, my God in whom I will trust.(Psalm 18:2) My satisfaction isn't in myself, what I do for a living, or how I feel. My satisfaction and contentment is found only in Christ. Knowing this puts my bipolar in perspective as I trust him more, and believe that all things are working together for my good and for a purpose.
What is my bipolar disorder achieving in and through me? Was there a purpose in mind when God allowed me to get sick and be diagnosed as mentally ill? If you would have asked me in the beginning I would have said, it's achieving nothing. Again the thorn in my flesh analogy is from the Bible, where the apostle Paul is being tormented by what he refers to as a "thorn in his flesh." It makes him weak in ways and he prays to God to remove it, yet he doesn't. There's a purpose for the thorn in Paul's flesh, as there is a purpose for my bipolar I believe. Paul sees the thorn as weakness, and later writes that he will boast about his weaknesses, because it is through them that Christ makes us strong! The thorn in Paul's flesh caused him to depend more on Christ, and probably kept him from getting too puffed up.
In the same way, my bipolar disorder keeps me dependent on God I pray. I mean when I wake up in the morning, I never know what mood I'm going to be in. I find sometimes I'm hopelessly depressed and anxious, and sometimes I feel great. However, I can face the day no matter and take comfort in God knowing that He is my rock, my fortress, my deliverer, my strength, my God in whom I will trust.(Psalm 18:2) My satisfaction isn't in myself, what I do for a living, or how I feel. My satisfaction and contentment is found only in Christ. Knowing this puts my bipolar in perspective as I trust him more, and believe that all things are working together for my good and for a purpose.
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I'll say it upfront, I hate winter. It's cold, it gets dark earlier, and at times the streets ice over making it more difficult to get around. Of course, it's nothing new, but I have noticed that the winter months are usually tougher on me than the summer months. Sure everyone is different and has there preferences, but it's almost if not a fact that people in general become depressed more often in the winter months. The lack of sunlight makes me depressed, and forces me inside for a better part of the day. I'm not here to complain really, but to address the point that people especially those with bipolar are prone more to depression in winter. Ever hear of seasonal affective diorder? Some people sit by bright lamps to combat the lack of light, and to keep depression away. Every one of my manic episodes had taken place between December and March, there's an explaination for that. I just have to be on guard more so in these months. Thank God for the holidays right? Staying busy somewhat is good, but exercise is even better. I've read that all exercise is beneficial for all people, and that some is better than none. The human body is meant to move, so move it and you'll see your depression start to decrease and your energy will increase. There's not much we can do about the winter months, but you can take steps to get healthy and at the same time keep the depression at bay.
The last month for me has been insane, so many things have been going on. As if the holidays aren't busy and crazy enough, my symptoms have been acting up. My thyroid was supposedly suppose to correct itself, but no it became worse. My thyroid levels went from suppressed to the opposite end of the sprectrum, extremely elevated. How could this even be? I'm thankful one of my doctors caught on to it and had an eye on me. It's good news to me that I'm being treated for my thyroid gland now with medication. I feel so much better already in just the last couple weeks. Prior to getting on the new med, I was having many bipolar symptoms that which the thyroid mimicked. I truly believe I went into psychosis one night while writing about my past, which was just the beginning. I looked into psychiatric symptoms of bipolar individuals of who also have a thyroid problem one evening. Keep in mind that I have been stable, yet I had every symptom on the list. This concerned me as well as my doctor. We finally pinpointed the cause of my symptoms, I pray. Who can say how long this problem of mine has been going on? I'm glad we caught it now though, because one night I felt manic and was thinking of checking myself into the hospital. Thank God it never happened. I'm enjoying life more now, which is a blessing. I look foward to Christmas and being with friends and family, knowing that I'm healthy and being "tuned up." I believe this new year will be a great one, no matter what may be in store. I'm hoping for great things.
Impulsiveness and indecision haunt me. They are also hallmark traits of having bipolar disorder. I get ideas in my head which feel and become so strong, I feel I have no choice but to act on them. Sometimes the choices I make have devastating consequences. Sometimes I'm the only one affected, and other times it affects multiple people. I usually don't even know what to do, and I get overwhelmed by all the possible choices and scenarios. However, an impulse in my opinion, is a thought or feeling that becomes so unbearably strong and intense that I feel forced to act quickly at times. I don't always see the big picture unfortunately. It's a major problem at times and I know I must find away to stop it. I don't like it, but I haven't ever been told how to deal with it. Most people don't understand what I do, neither do I. I don't know why people like me struggle with these negative traits. The only explaination that makes sense, is that my chemical imbalance in my brain is the source of it. Sure I'm stable so I think because of the meds, however I'm not all better because of it. Like I said before there's no cure for mental illness, I've heard it's treatable which is true. I'll always be in recovery though, and have to watch my health and what I do more closely than "normal" people. Like the saying goes,"You don't have anything if you don't have your health." Maybe my impulsiveness isn't all bad, afterall sometimes it's good to be able to make a swift decision. The only thing I can do now is take care of myself, stop looking back, learn from my mistakes, focus on my future, and truly believe that God is working all things to my good because I love him.(Romans 8:28)
If you haven't read my last blog entry go read it, this is part two of it. I stopped writing about my latest story for a few days. I started writing about other things I thought about, things that were less personal to me. I wanted to get away from my story for awhile, mainly because I was afraid of it. Afraid that what happened that Sunday night would happen again, so I took a brief break. I spoke with several people about my frightful experience, and got varying responses. I can't say for sure what it was, not that I'm really all that concerned with figuring it out anymore. Some things in life are so mysterious and they're not meant to be discovered I've learned. Some things are best left alone, not that we need to fear them. What I do know is that a sudden emotion of fear swept over me, and I was afraid. Anybody would be. It didn't seem logical, but it was definitely real. It could have been that writing about my own traumatic experiences, gave me a "flashback" and took me back into my past. Even though I'm writing about a made up character, most of my experiences have been included in my new writing adventure. I call it an adventure because it is. Writing can take you places, in your mind. Writing to me, could almost be a time warp, or dare I say a time machine. It's one thing to write non-fiction, which is true and facts are simply stated. I wrote down my own story with no problems. However, when I began to brainstorm an outline for my fictional story, something was definitely different. It was fun! I could be as creative as I wanted with it, blending my experiences with what I consider fantasy. I could see the scenes coming to life as I wrote them, in my mind's eye you could say. When I finished the outline, it was as if I just walked out of a movie, because I could see each scene coming together. You may not get this, but if you have ever written fiction you know what I'm talking about. So in a way I relived my traumatic episodes, and added to them as well. Some said it could've been spiritual attack, or simply I scared myself with my own writing. Whatever the case it hasn't happened again and I have resumed writing. If it happens again I may consider it in further detail. For now though, no, I don't think writing is dangerous in itself. I think the things that are dangerous, are the things inside of us, things and memories we haven't dealt with and have buried deep down inside. We're all on a journey, we don't ever stop growing and maturing. We all are still learning about ourselves and who we really are. We all are "works in progress", and that's ok.
You might be skeptical of this question or have a quick answer. In the past I would have said no, it can be good for you somewhat. However, now my answer might be a little more complicated. You see, as I have mentioned in a previous post, I have undertaken the task of taking my bipolar episodes and turning them into fiction. A very personal task I would later find out. Even though it's fiction for the most part, it's still very much my story. The intense brainstorm session ended after five days of thinking up ideas. I spent 4-5 hrs a day on it, and the day I finished the outline, I spent 7 on it. I finished it rather quick with plenty of creative ideas and twists. You could say I was obsessed to some degree, and I was. It was fun and something to do. However, the day I finished it, I felt like I had just witnessed the last scene of a movie. I was thinking I better get back to reality, and get some sun. I didn't write anymore of it that day, but I brainstormed a title for awhile. Then suddenly I felt different, like I was stuck between fantasy and reality. I became paranoid that something was around me in the dark halls, I kept on turning around to look. I was afraid of the dark for an hour or two. So I prayed some, listened to some christian music, took my medicine, and went to bed. Today is a better day, I have not written anything in the story. I'm dead serious about feeling strange last night. It makes me wonder quite a bit about a lot of things. Things like how is all this possible, being so wrapped up in writing that it almost felt like reality. Like I said, most of the story is based on true events, at least how I experienced them from my perspective. I've talked to some people about this experience since it happened. One thing my mother said still haunts me. She said, "When you write about spiritual warfare, battles between angels and demons involving humans at times, the devil will come after you." It made some sense, what else could the eerie feelings and paranoia be that I experienced? I'm doing everything I can to keep my mental health incheck. The imagination of the mind can be a dangerous thing I've learned, as if what it sees in fantasy can cross over into reality. I pray my mother is wrong, and that last night was just a freak experience. Time will tell, and I'm hoping I'm wrong...
I woke up this morning and started my day like I always do, with coffee and my electronic cigarette. I had a few cups, and I started brainstorming and working on my outline for my new story. The creativity and ideas started to flow again. The imagination and ideas come naturally; I believe my disorder helps a lot with that. After working on it for a couple hours, I started to get a mental block. So I decided to eat a little and take a break. I left and went to my mother's house to check emails, before starting to brainstorm again. I got past the mental barrier that I was stuck at earlier. A hour later, I felt like I needed to go to sleep again. Althought I had a good nights sleep, my energy level started to plummet. I'm struggling now to keep my eyes open, and I'm having trouble concentrating.
It started about a month ago. I saw a new doctor who ordered some lab tests. Long story short, my thyroid is producing too much of certain hormones. The doctor said having a thyroid problem could mimic bipolar symptoms. I got it checked out, and it's nothing serious, or anything to worry about. However, until it goes away and the hormone levels come down to normal; I believe this "crash" will continue to happen. A thyroid problem can be caused I read, by certain medications. The point being, it can be hard to know what causes problems, in this case an energy problem. Especially when health issues and symptoms overlap one another. I went on a roadtrip this past weekend to visit my brother. It was a great time catching up with family and friends. To make a long story short, my brother and I discussed my story that I had written which is my autobiography. He suggested I turn my story and bipolar adventures into a fictional novel. The idea excited me. Upon arriving home I didn't waste much time. I went to work on it the next day brainstorming ideas and possible ways to write it. The whole idea of using my real life experiences in a fictional story thrills me. It's so much more exciting to write fiction for me, because it takes so much more imagination and creativity. This is my new project and the journey to write another story has begun.
Well, since my last post a month and a half ago a lot has changed. As usual with bipolar disorder things rarely stay the same. I felt so bad the last time I wrote a blog post, but now I feel so much better. I feel happy sometimes which is a major plus. In my last post I was so negative, and I really believe it was a result of my medicine. One of my meds was reduced by two thirds. I noticed my thoughts started to race a bit, my thoughts were angry and depressed in nature. I didn't want to do anything as a result of it. However, now my medicine has been increased to the right level, and I also started a new prescription. The result of the last few weeks has been outstanding! I started feeling better, I started doing things again, and I got out of the pit of depression. Thank God for it. I moved out and I am less stressed out, and also have quit smoking cigarettes! My health is improving in every area and I have so much more energy. I have some goals and ideas I want to pursue now, and I'm somewhat excited about life. Life is good!
I've been on disability for a little over a month now. I'm grateful I've been given the help financially, it's nice. However I feel like I'm not getting any better at all. I don't know what I was really expecting when I initially applied. I thought therapy would have been a better help, but apparently it's not doing anything and is a waste of time. Maybe it's time to look for help somewhere else. My thoughts have become so angry as of late, as if there is no more satisfaction in life. At least for what I'm doing which isn't much. I'm irritated all the time for reasons I can't figure out. I have to start doing something different. I want to move, but then again I don't know if it's the right decision. Not that I would know because I seem incapable of making decisions in my head and on my own. So really indecision has become my decision for the past three years almost and it's pissing me off to no end. What would you do if you sat around for 2-3 years pondering what career choice to make, and never making one because you don't know. You'd lose your mind at the insanity. I feel like I'm numb and can't do much but drink coffee and chain smoke. Life better change soon for the better, I'm tired of this shit.
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AuthorI was diagnosed bipolar 1 in March of 2005. It's been a challenge to say the least to live with this disorder everyday. There has been some major ups as well as downs. It's just something I have to deal with. Everyone has their own problems and struggles to sort out and this is just one of mine. I'm not asking for anybody to feel sorry for me. I just want to educate those who don't know much about it, and if it helps out somebody along the way even better. Archives
May 2017
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