Lately I've felt the need to start taking better care of myself. I have decided to start making changes in my life. It is no secret that those of us with a mental illness have to be more conscious of what we do. This is because things affect our mood differently than those that don't have bipolar. First of all I have decided to get into somewhat of a routine. I'm trying to exercise dailiy which improves mood and energy, I'm trying to stay away from alcohol since it is a depressant and no good for bipolar, I want to start taking my medicine the same time everyday. I need to limit my caffeine intake, sure I like feeling jazzed up and yes I'm usually in a better mood if I drink a lot. However, I've noticed is causes me to speed up and my thoughts start to "race." I'm not saying it's a bad thing, I actually feel more creative when it happens as long as they don't get out of control. You have to know your limit on everything and no when enough is enough. I can't stress enough how important it is if you have this disease to educate yourself. You have to become an expert, and take yourself and your health seriously. Sure it takes sacrifice, I think sometimes that if I have one beer am I going to be depressed the next day? You have to count the cost if you want to get well. I am not saying I have it all together with this illness, far from it. I have issues I have to deal with as well, and I believe educating myself and getting the help I need is progress. Do whatever is takes to get well and stay well. Keep trying and don't give up.
0 Comments
I've noticed a lot about my mood in the last week. It helps that I keep a jounal about my mood and day to day activities. Even though my medicine keeps me stable and out of the hospital, there is still a lot of instability in my moods and thoughts. Four days ago I was in a good mood, I thought I knew what I was suppose to do with my life. The next day I wasn't sure I felt the same way in my head. I had more thoughts in my head than usual, but I wouldn't call them racing thoughts. That night I went out to eat and I felt good and confident. Then the last three days I have been unmotivated to do anything and depressed. I have to force myself to do anything, because it is a chore to do anything. Even taking a shower is a task, not to mention yesterday I was angry. Today is better since I chose to exercise some, maybe I'm just not taking care of myself as much as I should be. I need to get serious about my health and life, and it starts with my habits. If I'm ever going to have more stable moods, I need to exercise daily and drop my bad habits.
I've always wondered a lot and thought a lot about what my bipolar disorder is. I've always wondered why I had it, and what purpose if any it would serve. Well after talking to another bipolar friend yesterday, I came to the conclusion that it's nothing more than a thorn in my flesh. Paul of the Bible talks about this even though he doesn't say what it is, he knows it is causing him to struggle and endure great pain. It's something a person must overcome and conquer. It won't hold me back anymore. I'm not saying it has been all bad, enduring manic episodes and everything has taught me a lot about myself. From what kind of person I am, what I'm made of, and how much God can use a person who believes with this disease. It helps me be creative at times, which is also a plus. I don't think the illness is all good, but I know it's not all bad either. I'm finding out more and more each day, as the puzzle pieces come together...
I was seventeen years old when I was struck with the mental illness, an early age to be diagnosed I think. I've mentioned before that bipolar disorder runs in your genes, and can rear it's ugly head at anytime. Well it hit me in high school during the "best days of my life" as some call high school. At the time I was a junior and I was working, attending school, and just starting to talk to a certain girl. You could say I was doing things and being proactive. My best friend at the time started a prayer group that year, and he wanted me to give a speech about a topic of my choosing. I started working on the speech late at night, because I worked late some nights in a restaurant. I worked on it for several nights and I wanted it to be perfect. I don't recall how many nights I worked on it or how much sleep I was getting from night to night. One night I got home about eleven, and was going to call my friend to tell him the speech wouldn't be ready in time. However, I couldn't get ahold of him and stayed up all night and all morning working on it. I got an hour's sleep that night and got up to go to school. I was so tired and sleep deprived. I put shaving cream on my face and reached not for my razor, but for my toothbrush. I knew something was clearly wrong, but went to school anyway to give the speech. The speech came and went like it was nothing, and probably it wasn't as big of a deal as I made it out to be. I wish I wouldn't have stressed out about it as much as I did, but I always put too much pressure on myself. I ended up being sent home from work to get some rest when they heard about my day. However, sleep was already out of the question. My brain chemistry was already changing, and my bipolar genes were starting to surface. I had several other people tell me to get some rest, but it didn't happen. Later in the week i started to hallucinate and started to think my mother was the devil, and trying to kill me. I started moving my stuff out of the house and into my neighbor's. After several intense and nerve racking arguments with my mother, who I thought was possessed by Satan, I called 911. I didn't call them for my safety, but for my younger brother's safety. I was delusional and hallucinating and not to mention scared shitless. The cops came to take me, not my mom. I said I would never return...
At one point in my life before I experienced a manic episode, I actually wanted to be a pastor. This was years ago. Shortly after finding this out about myself, I went manic and ended up in the hospital ranting off Bible verses to everyone. I remembered and realized this the other day. However I forgot about wanting to become a pastor after my episode ended, and I went into a depression. I continued on with my life for another 5 years before experiencing another manic meltdown. My faith again amplified and went from ordinary to extraordinary. I become obsessed with God to the point that my faith in Him consumed me entirely. I can't explain it and no one else can either. It's as if I go into a new level of faith and all doubt goes out the window. I see things so clear, and it all makes sense finally. I become enraged at anything evil. I sense the demons in the basement or wherever they are hiding, so I think. Just a minute ago I heard a song from my friends cd, there's a verse that says if Satan runs up he will get his chest blown. It took me back and made me feel close to what I was feeling in my manic episode. Pure anger against the devil. In my manic episode I wanted to put him six feet in the ground with all his demons. I was totally losing it in the basement of where I lived at the time. Listening to P.O.D. and hitting the wall thinking I was banishing demons in the name of Christ. There was evil all around me, or maybe it was all in my head. Bipolar can screw with your head for sure and intensify emotions and the person's reality. Scary shit for sure. One thing I remember tonight though listening to that cd, is I have the victory in Christ and if Satan does run up he's gonna get his chest blown.
|
AuthorI was diagnosed bipolar 1 in March of 2005. It's been a challenge to say the least to live with this disorder everyday. There has been some major ups as well as downs. It's just something I have to deal with. Everyone has their own problems and struggles to sort out and this is just one of mine. I'm not asking for anybody to feel sorry for me. I just want to educate those who don't know much about it, and if it helps out somebody along the way even better. Archives
May 2017
Categories
All
|