If you haven't read my last blog entry go read it, this is part two of it. I stopped writing about my latest story for a few days. I started writing about other things I thought about, things that were less personal to me. I wanted to get away from my story for awhile, mainly because I was afraid of it. Afraid that what happened that Sunday night would happen again, so I took a brief break. I spoke with several people about my frightful experience, and got varying responses. I can't say for sure what it was, not that I'm really all that concerned with figuring it out anymore. Some things in life are so mysterious and they're not meant to be discovered I've learned. Some things are best left alone, not that we need to fear them. What I do know is that a sudden emotion of fear swept over me, and I was afraid. Anybody would be. It didn't seem logical, but it was definitely real. It could have been that writing about my own traumatic experiences, gave me a "flashback" and took me back into my past. Even though I'm writing about a made up character, most of my experiences have been included in my new writing adventure. I call it an adventure because it is. Writing can take you places, in your mind. Writing to me, could almost be a time warp, or dare I say a time machine. It's one thing to write non-fiction, which is true and facts are simply stated. I wrote down my own story with no problems. However, when I began to brainstorm an outline for my fictional story, something was definitely different. It was fun! I could be as creative as I wanted with it, blending my experiences with what I consider fantasy. I could see the scenes coming to life as I wrote them, in my mind's eye you could say. When I finished the outline, it was as if I just walked out of a movie, because I could see each scene coming together. You may not get this, but if you have ever written fiction you know what I'm talking about. So in a way I relived my traumatic episodes, and added to them as well. Some said it could've been spiritual attack, or simply I scared myself with my own writing. Whatever the case it hasn't happened again and I have resumed writing. If it happens again I may consider it in further detail. For now though, no, I don't think writing is dangerous in itself. I think the things that are dangerous, are the things inside of us, things and memories we haven't dealt with and have buried deep down inside. We're all on a journey, we don't ever stop growing and maturing. We all are still learning about ourselves and who we really are. We all are "works in progress", and that's ok.
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You might be skeptical of this question or have a quick answer. In the past I would have said no, it can be good for you somewhat. However, now my answer might be a little more complicated. You see, as I have mentioned in a previous post, I have undertaken the task of taking my bipolar episodes and turning them into fiction. A very personal task I would later find out. Even though it's fiction for the most part, it's still very much my story. The intense brainstorm session ended after five days of thinking up ideas. I spent 4-5 hrs a day on it, and the day I finished the outline, I spent 7 on it. I finished it rather quick with plenty of creative ideas and twists. You could say I was obsessed to some degree, and I was. It was fun and something to do. However, the day I finished it, I felt like I had just witnessed the last scene of a movie. I was thinking I better get back to reality, and get some sun. I didn't write anymore of it that day, but I brainstormed a title for awhile. Then suddenly I felt different, like I was stuck between fantasy and reality. I became paranoid that something was around me in the dark halls, I kept on turning around to look. I was afraid of the dark for an hour or two. So I prayed some, listened to some christian music, took my medicine, and went to bed. Today is a better day, I have not written anything in the story. I'm dead serious about feeling strange last night. It makes me wonder quite a bit about a lot of things. Things like how is all this possible, being so wrapped up in writing that it almost felt like reality. Like I said, most of the story is based on true events, at least how I experienced them from my perspective. I've talked to some people about this experience since it happened. One thing my mother said still haunts me. She said, "When you write about spiritual warfare, battles between angels and demons involving humans at times, the devil will come after you." It made some sense, what else could the eerie feelings and paranoia be that I experienced? I'm doing everything I can to keep my mental health incheck. The imagination of the mind can be a dangerous thing I've learned, as if what it sees in fantasy can cross over into reality. I pray my mother is wrong, and that last night was just a freak experience. Time will tell, and I'm hoping I'm wrong...
I woke up this morning and started my day like I always do, with coffee and my electronic cigarette. I had a few cups, and I started brainstorming and working on my outline for my new story. The creativity and ideas started to flow again. The imagination and ideas come naturally; I believe my disorder helps a lot with that. After working on it for a couple hours, I started to get a mental block. So I decided to eat a little and take a break. I left and went to my mother's house to check emails, before starting to brainstorm again. I got past the mental barrier that I was stuck at earlier. A hour later, I felt like I needed to go to sleep again. Althought I had a good nights sleep, my energy level started to plummet. I'm struggling now to keep my eyes open, and I'm having trouble concentrating.
It started about a month ago. I saw a new doctor who ordered some lab tests. Long story short, my thyroid is producing too much of certain hormones. The doctor said having a thyroid problem could mimic bipolar symptoms. I got it checked out, and it's nothing serious, or anything to worry about. However, until it goes away and the hormone levels come down to normal; I believe this "crash" will continue to happen. A thyroid problem can be caused I read, by certain medications. The point being, it can be hard to know what causes problems, in this case an energy problem. Especially when health issues and symptoms overlap one another. I went on a roadtrip this past weekend to visit my brother. It was a great time catching up with family and friends. To make a long story short, my brother and I discussed my story that I had written which is my autobiography. He suggested I turn my story and bipolar adventures into a fictional novel. The idea excited me. Upon arriving home I didn't waste much time. I went to work on it the next day brainstorming ideas and possible ways to write it. The whole idea of using my real life experiences in a fictional story thrills me. It's so much more exciting to write fiction for me, because it takes so much more imagination and creativity. This is my new project and the journey to write another story has begun.
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AuthorI was diagnosed bipolar 1 in March of 2005. It's been a challenge to say the least to live with this disorder everyday. There has been some major ups as well as downs. It's just something I have to deal with. Everyone has their own problems and struggles to sort out and this is just one of mine. I'm not asking for anybody to feel sorry for me. I just want to educate those who don't know much about it, and if it helps out somebody along the way even better. Archives
May 2017
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