Everything makes such perfect sense in my manic episodes. My faith in God amplifies 10 times, and he becomes everything I speak about. All doubt goes out the window and it's as if I can finally see. In my episodes I sense a calling from God and that I've been chosen to deliever a message to everyone I encounter. In my elevated, euphoric mood I have so much confidence and believe I can do anything. The sky is definitely the limit I tell people, if only they will believe it can happen. I don't sleep much anymore, but I get a lot more done so I believe. It's terrifying as well at times when I have hallucinations and think there's demons in my basement. Of course it's my job to get rid of them, so I curse them and tell them to be gone in the name of Jesus in a rage. I feel like I can do no wrong and that I'm super human. I believe I've discovered a new part of me when I go manic. At times I don't want it to end because I feel so good. I feel like people and doctors are trying to strip me of my new knowledge. It's as if I've found a new level of faith that most can only dream of, and everyone is trying to shut me up. My thoughts are pouring in faster than I can process them, and my mouth can't keep up. There's just so much to tell people! I can't concentrate on things like eating or smoking my cigarette, because I won't shut up! It's pressured speech where I just feel forced to speak. I have big ideas, make bad decisions, and I'm very impulsive. I feel like I've finally been awakened, and I'm liberated and free. It's as if everyone around me is in a deep slumber and I've been chosen to "wake up the world." I pray all the time for everyone. I've made lists to pray for my family, friends, and strangers. One night I stayed up all night praying for the whole world. The best way to describe this "waking up the world" thing is to use the example of the movie the Matrix. Neo thinks his world is real, but it's not until he takes the pill from Morpheus that he wakes up and sees his world was a false reality and the hour is later than he thought.
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AuthorI was diagnosed bipolar 1 in March of 2005. It's been a challenge to say the least to live with this disorder everyday. There has been some major ups as well as downs. It's just something I have to deal with. Everyone has their own problems and struggles to sort out and this is just one of mine. I'm not asking for anybody to feel sorry for me. I just want to educate those who don't know much about it, and if it helps out somebody along the way even better. Archives
May 2017
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