Is there a link between bipolar disorder and creativity? I've read articles suggesting there might be. I don't have the answer necessarily, but I do have my personal experience. I wonder if the person who has bipolar was creative before going into a manic episode, or if the illness draws it out of them to be creative. I suppose you have to define what being creative means to you. I would say it is a lot more than just being good at art. Then again, art is a lot of things and takes on many forms. As for me I always liked to draw as a kid, but I don't draw much now as an adult. I don't do much drawing in a manic episode, however I do remember doing some quick sketches on hospital folders. I'm not saying making some rough sketches was art. I do however believe that the way a manic person thinks in an episode, is completely different than a person who isn't manic or bipolar. The constant flow of information and ideas keep pouring in. The way I process these ideas are completely different from others. These racing thoughts pour in so rapidly, my mouth can't keep up with what I want to say. In an episode of mania people such as myself have some unrealistic ideas. However, it's the ideas that make people creative. Our minds work so differently because of the imbalance of chemicals in our brains. I've had the idea of writing a book about my life in a manic episode, but I didn't get far due to not being able to concentrate for long. One time in my first episode, I had so many thoughts that I filled up an entire brand new college notebook...overnight! The thought process is sped up and uncontrollable without medicine. I believe our creativity can be better harnassed while stable. That way we can focus our energy without getting distracted. I've written a book about my life since becoming stable these past couple years. I think our creativity whatever it is, will be much better once we are stable and our bipolar is under control.
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I believe there is a difference between being stable and recovering. I've been challenged as I continue to learn more about bipolar disorder everyday. There is so much information available to us these days, and it is impossible to know it all. However, I strive to learn more and grow. I've been stable for two and a half years now, but I've had a lot of problems. I do prize being stable, but I don't believe it is recovery. I'm learning through bipolar workbooks and certain others that there's more to getting well than just being stable. I want to have my illness under control and I believe this is possible if I get the right help. Yes, there's a difference between having a mental illness that drives you, and having a mental illness that you control. Of course medication is the first step to managing a mental illness, but why then have I had so many symptoms in between my episodes? Why has work been so hard and nearly impossible for me to keep? I don't think I've been given the proper tools to cope with certain situations, and as a result I'm going in circles. I'm not learning from my mistakes because my illness is triggered with various symptoms, and so far I have not been able to react properly. I believe as I continue to learn about different kinds of therapy and develop the right coping skills, this illness will fall under my control. I pray that when I do return to work these problems that will appear, will no longer be as big. I hope I can laugh someday at these problems and I learn to cope with them. We all hear that there's successful, productive people with this illness; I plan to recover fully and be one of them. Bipolar disorder is part of me, but I won't let it define me and be me. I'm gonna own this illness.
Lately I've felt the need to start taking better care of myself. I have decided to start making changes in my life. It is no secret that those of us with a mental illness have to be more conscious of what we do. This is because things affect our mood differently than those that don't have bipolar. First of all I have decided to get into somewhat of a routine. I'm trying to exercise dailiy which improves mood and energy, I'm trying to stay away from alcohol since it is a depressant and no good for bipolar, I want to start taking my medicine the same time everyday. I need to limit my caffeine intake, sure I like feeling jazzed up and yes I'm usually in a better mood if I drink a lot. However, I've noticed is causes me to speed up and my thoughts start to "race." I'm not saying it's a bad thing, I actually feel more creative when it happens as long as they don't get out of control. You have to know your limit on everything and no when enough is enough. I can't stress enough how important it is if you have this disease to educate yourself. You have to become an expert, and take yourself and your health seriously. Sure it takes sacrifice, I think sometimes that if I have one beer am I going to be depressed the next day? You have to count the cost if you want to get well. I am not saying I have it all together with this illness, far from it. I have issues I have to deal with as well, and I believe educating myself and getting the help I need is progress. Do whatever is takes to get well and stay well. Keep trying and don't give up.
I've noticed a lot about my mood in the last week. It helps that I keep a jounal about my mood and day to day activities. Even though my medicine keeps me stable and out of the hospital, there is still a lot of instability in my moods and thoughts. Four days ago I was in a good mood, I thought I knew what I was suppose to do with my life. The next day I wasn't sure I felt the same way in my head. I had more thoughts in my head than usual, but I wouldn't call them racing thoughts. That night I went out to eat and I felt good and confident. Then the last three days I have been unmotivated to do anything and depressed. I have to force myself to do anything, because it is a chore to do anything. Even taking a shower is a task, not to mention yesterday I was angry. Today is better since I chose to exercise some, maybe I'm just not taking care of myself as much as I should be. I need to get serious about my health and life, and it starts with my habits. If I'm ever going to have more stable moods, I need to exercise daily and drop my bad habits.
I've always wondered a lot and thought a lot about what my bipolar disorder is. I've always wondered why I had it, and what purpose if any it would serve. Well after talking to another bipolar friend yesterday, I came to the conclusion that it's nothing more than a thorn in my flesh. Paul of the Bible talks about this even though he doesn't say what it is, he knows it is causing him to struggle and endure great pain. It's something a person must overcome and conquer. It won't hold me back anymore. I'm not saying it has been all bad, enduring manic episodes and everything has taught me a lot about myself. From what kind of person I am, what I'm made of, and how much God can use a person who believes with this disease. It helps me be creative at times, which is also a plus. I don't think the illness is all good, but I know it's not all bad either. I'm finding out more and more each day, as the puzzle pieces come together...
I was seventeen years old when I was struck with the mental illness, an early age to be diagnosed I think. I've mentioned before that bipolar disorder runs in your genes, and can rear it's ugly head at anytime. Well it hit me in high school during the "best days of my life" as some call high school. At the time I was a junior and I was working, attending school, and just starting to talk to a certain girl. You could say I was doing things and being proactive. My best friend at the time started a prayer group that year, and he wanted me to give a speech about a topic of my choosing. I started working on the speech late at night, because I worked late some nights in a restaurant. I worked on it for several nights and I wanted it to be perfect. I don't recall how many nights I worked on it or how much sleep I was getting from night to night. One night I got home about eleven, and was going to call my friend to tell him the speech wouldn't be ready in time. However, I couldn't get ahold of him and stayed up all night and all morning working on it. I got an hour's sleep that night and got up to go to school. I was so tired and sleep deprived. I put shaving cream on my face and reached not for my razor, but for my toothbrush. I knew something was clearly wrong, but went to school anyway to give the speech. The speech came and went like it was nothing, and probably it wasn't as big of a deal as I made it out to be. I wish I wouldn't have stressed out about it as much as I did, but I always put too much pressure on myself. I ended up being sent home from work to get some rest when they heard about my day. However, sleep was already out of the question. My brain chemistry was already changing, and my bipolar genes were starting to surface. I had several other people tell me to get some rest, but it didn't happen. Later in the week i started to hallucinate and started to think my mother was the devil, and trying to kill me. I started moving my stuff out of the house and into my neighbor's. After several intense and nerve racking arguments with my mother, who I thought was possessed by Satan, I called 911. I didn't call them for my safety, but for my younger brother's safety. I was delusional and hallucinating and not to mention scared shitless. The cops came to take me, not my mom. I said I would never return...
At one point in my life before I experienced a manic episode, I actually wanted to be a pastor. This was years ago. Shortly after finding this out about myself, I went manic and ended up in the hospital ranting off Bible verses to everyone. I remembered and realized this the other day. However I forgot about wanting to become a pastor after my episode ended, and I went into a depression. I continued on with my life for another 5 years before experiencing another manic meltdown. My faith again amplified and went from ordinary to extraordinary. I become obsessed with God to the point that my faith in Him consumed me entirely. I can't explain it and no one else can either. It's as if I go into a new level of faith and all doubt goes out the window. I see things so clear, and it all makes sense finally. I become enraged at anything evil. I sense the demons in the basement or wherever they are hiding, so I think. Just a minute ago I heard a song from my friends cd, there's a verse that says if Satan runs up he will get his chest blown. It took me back and made me feel close to what I was feeling in my manic episode. Pure anger against the devil. In my manic episode I wanted to put him six feet in the ground with all his demons. I was totally losing it in the basement of where I lived at the time. Listening to P.O.D. and hitting the wall thinking I was banishing demons in the name of Christ. There was evil all around me, or maybe it was all in my head. Bipolar can screw with your head for sure and intensify emotions and the person's reality. Scary shit for sure. One thing I remember tonight though listening to that cd, is I have the victory in Christ and if Satan does run up he's gonna get his chest blown.
This disease called bipolar is so confusing. I felt like I was doing just fine 3 weeks ago before my medicine was adjusted. All we decided to do is add a little to my current dose. I noticed a difference two days later on my way to church. I felt drowsy and I wanted to go back to bed after a good nights sleep. I went anyway but felt like turning around the whole way there. That was just the tip of the iceberg. My motivation also went out the door to do much of anything as well. This continued on for about two weeks then I started feeling good for a few days. Yesterday was just plain shitty, nothing good happened yesterday. Depression set in again, I became unmotivated again, confusion set in with all the deep thinking that I was doing. I did feel better last night after talking to a good friend and hanging out for awhile though. Guess what? I feel good today. I haven't done much though. The thought of doing the dishes today, or cleaning up my piles of books that seem to accumulate is too much. Bipolar people tend to procrastinate to the last minute. I've also been agitated and irritable as of late. What really gets me is, people think once your on your meds a bipolar person is going to have a good life with no problems. They think just because you're throwing a pill down the "hatch", you're fine. I wish it was true, but it's not. We suffer problems still even if were stable. Bipolar people have: depression, anxiety, impulsive behaviors, obsessive thoughts, anger for no reason, being irritable, low motivation, low energy, and more. Damn you bipolar. I hope there's a pill that will actually cure us completely someday, and not just a ton of pills that "mask" the symptoms. It could be a lot worse though, maybe. Don't get me wrong though, I'm glad there are medicines and support available today. " Back in the day" they didn't understand it as well and you were in a lot more trouble if you had a mental illness. What's really confusing sometimes is that I wonder if my smptoms are bipolar, or if they are normal and everyone else has them too. For example I wonder if me not feeling motivated to pick up my pile of books is lazyness, or it's the chemical imbalance in my brain shuting off my ability to function. I can't "blame it all on my bipolar", but a lot of it I will. We aren't fixed with medicine, we're treated. They illness is still real and it's with us everyday.
Stability is priceless. What I mean by that is it feels great to have my mental health intact. I've stayed out of the hospital for over two years now, and it feels great. It feels like a major accomplishment almost. Where as I've said in my previous posts how good mania feels at times, I wouldn't want to go back. Progression is being made in my life and I finally believe I'm going foward. Although the last two years since getting out of the hospital have been rough at times, I'm really starting to believe that my life can be good. I think I will lead a productive, fulfilling life if I stay on track. Sure I still get depressed at times and for no apparent reason. However, I know I'm on good medicine and I have the best support system i could possibly have. My medicine is in good order again, I finally started seeing a therapist, and I have the best friends and family a guy could ask for. I'm excited about life and in a healthy good way. Sure things change all the time, but I'm feeling optimistic about my future and that's a good thing. I know I still have a lot to learn, but things are looking up and now that everything is working good the rest is really up to me.
Everything makes such perfect sense in my manic episodes. My faith in God amplifies 10 times, and he becomes everything I speak about. All doubt goes out the window and it's as if I can finally see. In my episodes I sense a calling from God and that I've been chosen to deliever a message to everyone I encounter. In my elevated, euphoric mood I have so much confidence and believe I can do anything. The sky is definitely the limit I tell people, if only they will believe it can happen. I don't sleep much anymore, but I get a lot more done so I believe. It's terrifying as well at times when I have hallucinations and think there's demons in my basement. Of course it's my job to get rid of them, so I curse them and tell them to be gone in the name of Jesus in a rage. I feel like I can do no wrong and that I'm super human. I believe I've discovered a new part of me when I go manic. At times I don't want it to end because I feel so good. I feel like people and doctors are trying to strip me of my new knowledge. It's as if I've found a new level of faith that most can only dream of, and everyone is trying to shut me up. My thoughts are pouring in faster than I can process them, and my mouth can't keep up. There's just so much to tell people! I can't concentrate on things like eating or smoking my cigarette, because I won't shut up! It's pressured speech where I just feel forced to speak. I have big ideas, make bad decisions, and I'm very impulsive. I feel like I've finally been awakened, and I'm liberated and free. It's as if everyone around me is in a deep slumber and I've been chosen to "wake up the world." I pray all the time for everyone. I've made lists to pray for my family, friends, and strangers. One night I stayed up all night praying for the whole world. The best way to describe this "waking up the world" thing is to use the example of the movie the Matrix. Neo thinks his world is real, but it's not until he takes the pill from Morpheus that he wakes up and sees his world was a false reality and the hour is later than he thought.
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AuthorI was diagnosed bipolar 1 in March of 2005. It's been a challenge to say the least to live with this disorder everyday. There has been some major ups as well as downs. It's just something I have to deal with. Everyone has their own problems and struggles to sort out and this is just one of mine. I'm not asking for anybody to feel sorry for me. I just want to educate those who don't know much about it, and if it helps out somebody along the way even better. Archives
May 2017
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